


why would you ever kiss me?

by copyrightings



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Love Confessions, Miscommunication, Moral Dilemmas, Multi, Mutual Pining, Not Happy, Sorry?, Tsukkiyama centric, Unrequited Love, this... isnt happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:08:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24985105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/copyrightings/pseuds/copyrightings
Summary: five years after yamaguchi kisses tsukishima, they meet again by chance and begin to reconcile their lost feelings for one another. but how can you admit you're in love with your childhood best friend when you're already in a committed relationship
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Yachi Hitoka/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 15
Kudos: 59





	why would you ever kiss me?

**Author's Note:**

> heavily inspired by heather, love like you, and strawberry blond aka the tsukkiyama angst anthems! seriously, if you haven't listened to these songs I highly suggest it bonus points if you listen to it from both of their perspectives 
> 
> anyways, enjoy? are u supposed to enjoy angst fics? idk honestly but thanks anyways for reading!!! ❤️

Cigarette smoke hung thick in the air, trailing off the lips of flushed patrons who had nothing better to do than waste their days away in a little bar in the center of Tokyo. Businessmen and unemployed women mingled under hot breaths and false intentions. Drinks were downed without precision or care. The night, while young, had a somber sense about it that seemed to sit heavy in Tadashi’s chest. Maybe it was the fact the moon and the stars were covered by dense clouds or maybe it was the quiet chatter that echoed throughout the bar. Regardless, Tadashi let out a sigh as he weaved his way through closed-off booths and high tables. 

Yachi squeezed his hand, pulling him back to reality. She gave him a smile that seemed to light up the entire room. Her bangs were clipped back with the butterfly clips he bought for her last birthday. Even in a simple flowy dress, she seemed more fashionable than Tadashi could ever manage to be.

“We won’t have to stay long,” she assured. “Just a little while.”   
  
Tadashi nodded. “Okay.”

Tadashi didn’t particularly enjoy social outings in the first place but meeting with strangers made him even more on edge. It was his first time meeting Yachi’s cousins and of course he wanted to make a good impression on them. She’d said that they were nice and everything but he still wanted to get on their good side. 

Yachi lead them between tipsy drunkards and laughing bachelorettes until they reached a back table. Two blonde women were already sipping on beer and excitedly greeted them with big grins. Tadashi introduced himself with a small bow and a nervous laugh. Yachi fell in line with their stories and soon the three of them were engaged in a world of their own. Tadashi watched with a careful awe as Yachi’s smile grew. She exuded a pure sense of happiness that eased Tadashi’s nerves. With one hand, she showed off her new ring and the other she kept firm in Tadashi’s grasp. 

“Tadashi, could you please get me something to drink?” Yachi asked with honey dripping from her voice. 

“Coke and rum?” He guessed. 

She nodded rapidly. 

“Okay, I’ll be back in just a moment.”

Their hands lingered for a second before he turned to once again make his way through the crowd. It was lonely without Yachi. Isolated and solemn and a separate world all together. 

Tadashi was pushed in the back by a red-faced man and before he knew it he was stumbling into the arms of a tall stranger. He stood straight using the help of god knows who. Tadashi tried to recollect himself best he could and began to apologize profusely.

“Sorry, I was just getting jostled around,” he said, his words strung together in a single breath. 

“Yamaguchi?” 

Tadashi raised his head. 

A numbing pain rippled across his body. Still in the person’s arms, his knees buckled instantaneously and he lost his footing. Oh what a young Tadashi would have done to be in this exact situation. But at 23 years old, he didn’t know how to react. 

Tsukishima Kei was standing before him. He’d grown his hair out to let his natural curls form ringlets at the top of his head. He’d changed his glasses too—the frames were thick and encased his big golden eyes that seemed to dig deep into Tadashi’s. 

Tsukishima wore an expression of recognition that masked deep sadness. Tadashi morosely remembered the last time they saw each other—the day of graduation. They were in a similar position and Tsukishima had a similar grimace. That day, Tadashi ran from Tsukishima’s look of horror. But now he couldn’t move away. 

“W-what are you doing here?” Tsukishima asked, his voice trembling. 

“We’re in town visiting Hitoka’s cousins,” Tadashi explained. Tsukishima followed his eyeline to the back table where Yachi excitedly waved. She bustled her way back through the crowd and towards them. 

“Wow, Tsukishima!” Yachi giggled, giving him a quick hug. He visibly stiffened at the embrace. “What a weird coincidence! Tokyo is so big, I definitely didn’t expect to run into someone I know.”   
  
Tsukishima nodded, his eyes darting to Tadashi. “Odd circumstances indeed.”

“Don’t mind me, I’ll let you two catch up,” Yachi beamed. 

Tadashi reached for her hand. “Shouldn’t I get to know your family better?”   
  
Yachi waved him off. “We’re getting lunch with them tomorrow, it’ll be fine. It’s not every day you see Tsukishima. Plus, they like you a lot already! You can join us later if you want.”

Tadashi squeezed her hand tightly. Yachi gave him a brilliant smile that made his heart melt before trotting over to rejoin her family. She looked so relaxed now—in adulthood she’d lost most of her rampant anxiety. Of course she got nervous from time to time but it was amazing just how confident in herself she was now. 

“Congratulations, by the way,” Tsukishima said. His eyes flitted down to the gold band adorning Tadashi's left hand. 

“Congrats to you as well.”   
  
Tsukishima thumbed the silver ring strung around his neck. It was a relatively new edition. Tadashi had been married for about six months now while Tsukishima had only gotten engaged within the last month. He’d seen the proposal online; Kuroo had gone all out and made a big deal to receive a happy  _ yes _ . They way Tsukishima looked in the video was indescribable. He was so delighted… 

“So what do you drink?” Tsukishima asked, motioning towards the bar. 

“Oh, just a beer’s fine,” Tadashi replied. “You don’t have to pay for it though.”   
  
“It’s my treat.”   
  
Tsukishima ordered himself a Kahlua with milk and found them a spot at the edge of the bar, away from the rest of the inebriated crowd. They clinked glasses and Tadashi allowed the cool beer to slide down his throat. He needed a little bit of liquid courage if he was really going to speak with Tsukishima. 

“I feel like it’s been ages since we talked,” Tadashi chuckled out. 

“Five years,” Tsukishima replied gruffly. “Since graduation.”   


Tadashi gnawed on his lip. “Look, I know you probably don’t want to talk about what happened and that’s totally fine. Let’s just forget about it, alright?”   
  
“I think we should—”

“Kei!”

Tadashi turned to see Kuroo stumbling through the crowd, a stupidly happy grin plastered onto his face. He landed a sloppy kiss onto Tsukishima’s cheek that only made Tadashi’s stomach churn. 

Kuroo turned to him. “Oh my god, Yamaguchi is that you?”

“Nice to see you, Kuroo-san,” Tadashi lied through his teeth. 

“Oh man, what are you doing here?” Kuroo said, excitement creeping in his voice. “It’s so good to see you but completely unexpected. You’re still in Sendai, right?”

“Yeah, we’re just in town visiting Hitoka’s cousins,” Tadashi explained. He motioned towards the back of the bar where they were all engaged in some funny conversation. 

“Oh cool! By the way, your wedding looked so nice! Totally stealing from you.” Kuroo let out a laugh. Tadashi was acutely aware of how he slung his arm around Tsukishima’s waist and held him close. “Alright, continue catching up. I’ll go say hi to Yachi-chan.”

Kuroo planted another kiss on Tsukishima’s cheek before bounding over to Yachi. Tadashi watched closely as they reconnected and soon Kuroo was drawn into their discussion with no hesitation whatsoever. 

“It was a nice wedding,” Tsukishima commented. “It would have been nice if…”

“It was a small ceremony,” Tadashi insisted, clenching his jaw. “You wouldn’t have wanted to be there.”

Tsukishima’s gaze drifted back towards Yachi and Kuroo. He looked… wistful. Longing. Like he was pining after something he couldn’t have. Tadashi didn’t understand. He had Kuroo. 

Tadashi, deep down, knew Tsukishima always had a crush on Kuroo. He saw the way they interacted. Kuroo was a challenge to him—one he actually wanted to overcome. One that he evidently put the time and effort in to accomplish. He could have never exerted that effort if it was for Tadashi. 

“Tsukishima, I think it’s best if—”

“Don’t call me that,” Tsukishima blurted out. 

Tadashi raised an eyebrow. “What, your name?”

“That’s not what you say.”

“We're not kids anymore, Tsukishima. I-I can't exactly call you Kei like Kuroo. You hated when people called you Tsukki. I don't even know why you let me say that for so long."

Tsukishima furrows his brows. “Why do you keep assuming things about me? You don’t know what I want.”

“We were best friends for a decade, I got pretty good at picking up on your expressions,” Tadashi retorted. “You can’t exactly lie to me. I know you pitied me and let me cling onto you. I know you thought I was weak and incapable and I know you didn’t want anything to do with me.”

“You don’t—”

“Oh I do,” Tadashi bit his lip. “I saw that look on your face when I kissed you at graduation and I understood everything. So I apologize for doing it in the first place.”

It was a blatant lie. Tadashi could never regret expressing his true emotions but if it meant they could reconcile their relationship he’d say whatever he needed to. 

Tsukishima’s lip trembled. “Why… why would you ever kiss  _ me _ ?”

Tadashi let out a sad chuckle. “I was in love with you. Isn’t that obvious?”

And there it was. The words Tadashi was convinced he would never actually say. They hung in the air like the cigarette smoke, burning his lungs the longer it sat. It was toxic. It left a bitter taste in his mouth. It was a habit Tadashi never wanted to return to. It was everything Tadashi had moved on from so, so long ago. 

“I never realized…” Tsukishima’s voice was low. “If I had I would have…”

“You can’t change what happened,” Tadashi said, intention clear and firm. 

“I should have kissed you back.” 

Tadashi remained silent. 

Tsukishima raised his gaze. “I was in love with you too.”

Tadashi had experienced pain before. He’d broken his arm falling out of a tree in Tsukishima’s backyard during elementary school. He’d been completely shattered when his first jump serve didn’t make it through during their game against Seijoh. He’d had his heart torn time and time again when he acknowledged the fact that he was actually in love with his best friend. 

But nothing that Tadashi had faced in his past could compare to the pain that now rippled throughout his body. It felt like a million needles prodded at every inch of his skin. Any moment now Tadashi would collapse from the excruciating, mind-numbing torment.

“When? 

Tsukishima breathed out hot air. 

Tadashi took a step forward. “Tsukki, when were you in love with me?”   
  
“I realized it during our first year of high school,” he said, voice shaky and unnerving. “That summer training camp with all of the other powerhouse schools. You said ‘what more do you need than pride?’ I think you’re just about the only person who could have looked me in the eye like that and told me exactly what I needed to hear. 

“I wasn’t lying when I said you were cool. I wanted to say a lot more, I just didn’t know how to say it. I never did.”   
  
Tadashi was convinced he was in a dream. Any moment, he would wake up with tears dribbling down his cheeks like so many times before. He must have dreamed a million times of the day Tsukishima would confess to him. But that was when he was young and full of hope that it could actually happen. He never truly expected for this to happen. 

“When did you realize you were in love with me?” Tsukishima asked in a low voice. 

Wasn’t it obvious that there wasn’t just one moment? It was years of hundreds of instances in which Tadashi pined for Tsukishima in a way no best friend should. He wanted to caress his fingers through that blond hair and hold him close and never begin to let him go. It was laughter underneath glow-in-the-dark stars. It was smiles on the court. It was brain freeze from strawberry popsicles in the summer. It was warmth from new coffee shops in the winters. It was a whole lifetime of memories that just made Tadashi fall deeper and deeper in love with each passing day. How could he choose just one?   
  
He managed to land on a single memory. “After what happened with Akiteru… you didn’t speak to me for a while,” Tadashi explained. “I was giving you space with everything and then one day you showed up at my house and just cried to me for hours and hours. It was the first time I’d ever seen you cry and I think the only time I’ve seen you break down so much. It was terrifying. I remember thinking that I never wanted to see you hurt like that again.”

“Can’t you see I’m hurting now though?”

“Aren’t you happy with Kuroo?” Tadashi asked, trying to sound convincing more than posing it as a real question. 

Tsukishima nodded. “Of course I’m happy with him. And you’re happy with Yachi?”

“Really happy.” 

It didn’t sound like it even though it was true.

“I knew you would be,” Tsukishima said. “From the day she joined the club you seemed to be taken by her.”

Tadashi couldn’t help but laugh. “Maybe I had a silly crush on her or something, but I wasn’t in love with her yet.”

“But I saw the way you looked at her.” Tsukishima’s voice raised ever-so-slightly, but the other patrons were so absorbed in their own lives that no one seemed to notice. “And I knew that every time you looked at me it wasn’t with that same sort of adoration. You looked sad and unhappy. How could I convince you to stay by my side any longer when Yachi would be the one to make you happy?”

“I was sad because I was convinced that you would never love me back,” Tadashi choked out. 

Since when did they talk about their feelings? Since when did their comfortable silence become cacophonous? Since when were they uncomfortable being around each other? Since when did their normal become about being truthful? 

Tsukishima grabbed Tadashi’s wrist. He flinched at the touch. 

“What are you—”

“Come with me,” Tsukishima instructed. He led him throughout the bar, sending a quick wave over to Yachi and Kuroo. If they sensed something was wrong, they didn’t show it. Instead they gave Tsukishima and Tadashi a cute little wave back and resumed their engaging conversation. 

They left the bar to find the streets flooded with chain smoking students and happy-go-lucky tourists. Neon signs illuminated the night with hues of yellow and green emanating from rusty streetlights. Tokyo was alive but Tadashi couldn’t feel the same vitality. 

Tsukishima led him around a corner into a dimly lit alleyway. Further down, a handsy couple noticed their presence and snuck away under echoing laughter. 

Tadashi attempted to rip his arm away but Tsukishima held him tight. Their bodies were too close together. Tsukishima’s eyes were too invasive. 

Tadashi titled his head back and instead focused his attention upwards. The clouds parted to show the moon brilliantly shining against the dark sky. Little stars dotted around it, forming constellations of figures Tadashi couldn’t be bothered to remember. They shouldn’t have even been visible considering the smog that emanated the city and yet Tadashi could see each and every speck completely clear. 

Tsukishima moved his hand down to lace his fingers through Tadashi’s. 

“I’m sorry,” Tsukishima said, his voice soft and quiet. “For everything.”

“I’m sorry too.”

“Does… does Yachi know that we…?”

Tadashi shook his head. “No. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. Does Kuroo?”

“No.”

Tadashi looked down at their intertwined hands. They looked nice like that. Tsukishima’s thin, pale fingers contrasted against Tadashi’s tanned, freckled skin. They fit together so well, like they were carved together. 

Teenage Tadashi would have killed to be like this. He pined after Tsukishima for so long it made him forget his own insecurities. He loved him so, so deeply that the rest of the world didn’t matter. He was content just being next to him. 

But he couldn’t neglect that he wanted more. That’s why he kissed Tsukishima at graduation. It was a sort of test that he evidently failed. 

“I don’t deserve you,” Tsukishima exhaled. “You were always there for me and I treated you like shit until the very end. The reason I reacted like that when you kissed me was because I couldn’t believe that you wanted  _ me  _ of all people. I should have done something. We wouldn’t be here if I’d just—”

Tsukishima broke down. He let out a small sob at first, as if he was letting it escape his chest. He tried to recompose himself with little effort. 

“Tsukki, don’t apologize,” Tadashi said. “It doesn’t change the past.”

“Do you still?”

“Still what?”

Tsukishima squeezed Tadashi’s hand tighter. “Do you still love me?”

Tadashi could physically feel his heart pound against his rib cage. Was that even a question?

The real question was what Tadashi would do about it.

With Yachi at his side, Tadashi could go on to live a long, happy life. They’d settle in the suburbs outside of Sendai and have a couple of kids when the time was right. Tadashi would be able to hold his children with an overwhelming sense of pride just knowing that  _ he  _ was their father and that there was absolutely nothing in the world he wouldn’t do for them. He’d still go to work and eventually make his way up. He’d enjoy his time with his coworkers but make his way home eventually to dote on his wife and kids. He’d probably teach the little ones volleyball at a young age and attend their games when they got a little older. He’d be so proud to see them graduate and begin to make a name for themselves. He’d travel with Yachi at his side once they’d both retired and explore the world like he always wanted to do. He’d die a happy man, fulfilled in many ways. 

And yet, there would be a lingering feeling all those years. The sense of  _ what if.  _ The unrequited love that still sat heavy in his chest for his childhood best friend. 

He loved Yachi, of course. But the way he loved Tsukki was different. It made him consider that  _ what if _ . 

What if Tadashi kissed him right now, the same way he did so many years ago? And what if this time Tsukki kissed him back? And what if they could bask in each other’s presence for the rest of their lives? What if they left this shady bar together and went back to Tsukki’s apartment to finally relieve all of this built up tension? What if they moved off to a different country together, blissfully unaware of the trouble they caused at home? What if Tsukki got a job at a small museum and was able to talk about those dinosaurs he loved so much as a kid? What if Tadashi ran a little coffee shop and was happy serving the same customers day after day? What if they didn’t need anyone else in the entire world but each other? What if they lived a great life together and it was just Yamaguchi and Tsukki like it’d always been? What if those ‘Shut up Yamaguchi’s were said with love dripping like syrup? What if those ‘Sorry Tsukki’s came with a round of pecks and the longing stares that only affirmed just how deeply and wholly Tadashi loved Tsukki?  _ What if? _

Even in that perfect reality, there were no guarantees. What if they did run away from this bar only to later deal with Tadashi’s divorce and Tsukki’s broken engagement? What if something went so terribly wrong the day after they reconciled? What if Tsukki was killed in a freak accident? What if they realized their emotions were just childhood crushes taken too far? What if despite everything going right they were simply not made for one another?  _ What if?  _

Everything with Yachi seemed like a guarantee. He knew for a fact he’d be happy with her. With Tsukki, it was all a guess. There was nothing to confirm that it would go right or wrong. It was a risk just to be around him for too long and Tadashi had never been the daring type.

What if?

Tsukishima inched closer. He cupped Tadashi’s face with his free hand. Tadashi knew what was coming. He knew he should leave now before they did anything they regretted. He knew that he had a very happy wife waiting for him inside that bar. He knew that his childhood crush couldn’t truly extend into adulthood. He knew all of this. 

And yet he let Tsukishima softly connect their lips together. Tadashi could feel tears begin to drip down his cheeks. He could feel Tsukishima so, so close to him like he had wanted for so, so long. He could feel his brain going haywire telling him that this was completely wrong. But most of all he could feel his heart reaching out to Tsukishima because after years of longing they now were sharing a genuine, mutual kiss. 

Tadashi pulled away but kept their faces close. Tsukishima allowed himself to cry as well. 

“Now we’re even,” Tsukishima commented, his voice barely even a whisper.

With the moonlight illuminating his blond curls and casting pleasant shadows on his face, Tadashi just wanted to bask in the beauty that was Tsukishima. He wanted to run away with him. He wanted to kiss him again. 

But he couldn’t. He had a life waiting for him that didn’t involve Tsukishima. He had made up his mind five years ago. They simply could not be. 

Yet that thought still echoed in Tadashi’s mind. That feeling of overwhelming love still sat heavy in his chest. 

What if?

**Author's Note:**

> :(


End file.
